Failure to Launch

Don't worry my good readers; although it could be inferred by the title, this blog has nothing to do Matthew McConaughey. No, today I would like to reflect on my failures.

I don't see anything I do as a failure, because I am strong believer in never regretting anything you have done, because if you're doing it right, you'll grow and learn from it. I personally measure failures as more of ongoing flaws. We all have them. God knows I have MANY. But there is a certain flaw that lies just beneath the surface of my consciousness, that is scratching and clawing to be revealed to you all, and even to myself.

I am terrified of change.
Now although I pride myself on fearing almost nothing but lice, and the wrath of the ever-scowling lunch monitor that always asks where I am going, I've realized that I tend to shy away from this fear when it comes creeping ins.

This clutching fear has been present as long as I can remember. I didn't stop drinking out of a bottle until my four year old birthday. It took me until I was nine to fully be able to spend the whole night in my own bed, and I still sleep with my tattered baby doll, creatively named, "Baby."

Throughout my high school career the thought of going off to college has been terrifying. My explorative and curious nature that would normally encourage me to see the world, and fly from my warm cocoon, is squandered by my stubborn refusal to let the great unknown decide my fate.
When relaxing at casual family gatherings, and my uncles and aunts ask me, "Hey, you're almost a senior, what do you want to do with your life after high school?" I suddenly become defensive and almost choked up. I usually reply, "I DON'T KNOW, OKAY!?" in a startling and probably inappropriate tone. For Christ's sake, I become choked up at guidance appointments when they tell me to create a Naviance account.

It is not just the fear of changing locations and adopting a new, unfamiliar lifestyle. But the nightmare of the changing relationships with the ones I truly love and care about.
Usually I snicker at petty teen angst, but juniors and seniors are truly put in a difficult position. We have to patiently wait to part ways with our tearful parents, life long friends, and heartbroken lovers. I find myself wondering if I even want to get closer to my new friends, thinking, "I'll just have to leave them soon."

I have developed one particular relationship with a person who, for their sake, will not be named. Now some people might think, "Teenagers don't know what love is." Which, at times, is true. But ocasionally a true, once in a lifetime love comes along at the ripe age of 14. Unfortunately, yet somehow fortunately, I know for a fact that I have experienced this. I still do even at this second experience it. Leaving this person, even though things would still be terribly complicated if I stayed anyways, is one of my biggest fears. Our relationship will change. It will. And there is no getting around it. That aspect is the most real, and scary thing that I have ever faced in my 17 years of living.

Why can't I just go with the flow? See what happens?
I wish it was that simple.

Although the fear of change is a broad, and encompassing flaw, there is something that gives me solace; a saving grace. Because with every flaw or failure there is always a redeeming factor.

I know I will be okay. I know I am strong enough to handle all change, negative or positive.

And although I fear the universe and it's plan for me, I trust myself.